Routine Heart Catherization, pre-op, which didn't turn out very well.  Released from hospital too early.  We had to rush Sean back to Hospital by ambulance his saturation level was at 52 when ambulance arrived.  The firemen and paramedics brought Sean's saturation level back up in the 80s, because he can't go over 90, due to his heart condition.  I went with him in the ambulance, and daddy and grandmaman followed in the car.  We went directly to the trauma unit, where he was stabalized, and hospitalized for a few days for obseration.

Just before 11 am on July 8th, 2005, Sean was placed in my arms, while I sat in a rocking chair (I hadn't held him in a month).  I kissed, snuggled and rocked him, I'm not sure for how long, kept telling him how much I loved him.  At some point the doctor started removing the tape holding Sean's breathing tube and at 11:09 am the tube was removed and Sean passed peacefully in my arms, while his daddy held his tiny hand.  We love and miss you dearly our Little Braveheart !  We will love and remember you forever !

I wanted to share with you my personal thoughts on today, my life, my message to my son Sean. Mon Coco d'amour, it's been 2 years since I last had a chance to hold you in my arms, giving you kisses and stroking your beautiful blond hair. Your courage and strength are something that I will always remember you by, you are my hero, my champion, mon Coco d'amour. The memories have been flooding back for the last couple of days. Yesterday in particular, because it was the day I had that gut feeling something was going to go wrong and sure enough that evening at 7:15 pm you crashed, had a tacycardia attack at over 255 while the nurse and I were turning you on your side like we did hundreds of times before. I remember so clearly your eyes turning to glass, blank, the nurse pushing the code blue button, and everyone rushing in, and me rushing out. Then in the hallway all I could hear was; again, again, again. They were using the defibrilator. An aide came to move me away from the hallway and brought me to the nurses station where I waited for what seemed a million years not knowing if you were still alive or not. They put me in the doctor's lounge and there I waited, I saw grandmaman arrive, she waited along with me. I cried, was shaking, had to lie down. The doctors later came in to tell me that you were still alive, barely. She had tried chest compressions, but it was very difficult because you had had surgery the week before and 4 days before this they had just closed up your chest. You were stable, but critical, your daddy arrived at some point, I can't remember when I called him. He was home with Kaitlyn. We were allowed to go see you for a bit, everything was a mess in the room, liquids everywhere, syringes, etc. They had your eyes covered with a cloth because of the bright lights, and your eyelids were flickering underneath. After 2 months of fighting you were exhausted and it was just not fair that you had to go through all of this, you deserved so much better. We were told to go get some rest and the 3 doctors would spend the night with you and let us know if anything happened. We had requested no more recessitation if it were to happen. When I got to the floor where I stayed, daddy went back home to Kaitlyn, and I stayed with grandmaman. I remember going to the balconey where we were allowed to smoke, because I had started again and fell to my knees on the balconey where I cried and wanted to scream, and asked God that if it was your time to wait till I was with you, and that I was okay with letting you go, after such a long fight you needed your peace and rest. I slept, not sure how much, and then grandmaman and I were in your room around 5 or 6 am, I think. Your daddy arrived, then the whole family was there. Daddy kept on looking at the tests results hoping something would change, but it just got worse, your heart rate was going lower and all I wanted was to hold you. So, they brought in a rocking chair, moved the other child in the room to another room, so the whole family could be by your side. Daddy opened up all the blinds to let in all the sunlight, the doctors and nurses started removing IV's and what they could without you leaving us, until they put you in my arms. Daddy finally let you go with an aching that I've never seen again before, and they put you in my arms, where I rocked you and smelled you and just LOVED you. You left this earth in my arms where you needed to be, I needed you to be there. Today, I went to visit you. Woke up in the morning it was pouring rain, then it started clearing up. When I got there, I cleaned your stone, put a blue butterfly in your vase and a single white rose for your purity and then sat down to write to you. There you were, you came to visit me, the rays of sun came shining down on my face. I smiled, I knew it was you sending me a great big hug, there's no other explanation, not to me. I love you dearly and will always and forever hold you in my heart till we meet and I get to hold you again.
LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS
Maman xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx